Demetri Martin Quotes

There's a small but important difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

Dolphins are considered friendly animals, but I bet some of them are real jerks.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

Winecoolers is just gay wine.

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'

Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at
first you don't succeed'.

"A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'"

I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.

What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.

-Demetri Martin